Thoughts from Between the Knees

Sometimes I used to feel like being the parent of children would never end. And then, like magic, my kids became grown ups (my daughters are 23 and 21). Fully functional, live independently, do what they want, grown ups. Now what do I do? Do I talk to them like my kids, like a friend, like who exactly? How often do I call, text or email? Do I wait for them to Facebook me? Do I even want to look at their Facebooks? This is so weird. Awesome, but definitely weird. Are there any books about this? Like a Chicken Soup for the Parents of Grownups?

I spent my college and early adult years 3000 miles away from where I grew up, so that I could become an adult very much on my own. Somehow I knew I needed to get away from my childhood influences. I spoke with my parents by phone once a week, and went to visit a couple of times a year, but my world was my own, and they had very little place in it. By the time I lived close enough to see my family regularly, I was in my 30s, married and working. My contacts with them were sometimes tense. I think many in my parent’s generation had difficulty making the transition to being the parents of adults. For a long time I still felt treated like the rebellious 15 yo, my knowledge and experience ignored. Does anyone else’s parents start every sentence with “why don’t you” or “why did you” or “you should have”?

So how do I not do this to my kids? How do I gently offer my wisdom, yet respect their decisions, understanding they have to build their own base of knowledge and experience? How do I create the open door that they will use to ask me for my advice when they need it? Sometimes I tell a story about a similar situation I experienced, and then reflect on how it all turned out. Perhaps the art of sharing a good story about our lives is more effective than giving an opinion about how they should live theirs. And since my kids don’t live near by, I do this by email. Sort of like the old fashioned letter writing that has memorialized many a relationship for future evaluation. Letters are not really a bad thing. They allow both parties to revisit and contemplate the thoughts they are expressing.

For now, I guess I will just play it cool, trying to gauge if they are eating healthy, paying their bills, having fun with friends and building their own lives, without me there every day. I will continue to build my own happy, healthy life, without them here every day. And when we do all get together for a visit, I hope we can gossip, and giggle, and not act like adults at all. But when I allow myself to think about how much I miss them, and how much I love them, it brings tears to my eyes.

The best way to get Vitamin D is the old fashioned way – direct from the source, not in pill form. Just remember your SPFs.

Boot camp, hot yoga, pumping iron, triathalons, walks for cures, pilates, zumba, cycling classes. The list of ways to try to get us off our butts seems endless. And yet, Americans are getting fatter and more sedentary by the year. Could it be because we seem to have made being physically active seem like work?

Has anyone been to a playground filled with little kids on a sunny afternoon? Do they look like they are working? No, they seem to run, not walk, and they are laughing: they look like they are having a blast! They are playing! And all the adults just sit by on the bench and watch. Passive, detached. Have they forgotten how to play?

But once those kids hit elementary school, the “organized sports” take over: T-ball, soccer, tennis, dance etc. Instructors, coaches, rules, winners, losers. What happened to just going outside to play after school? And it doesn’t get any better as they get older: music lessons, competitive teams, after school enrichment learning programs. On and on. They begin to understand that they live in a competitive world,and believe that opportunities for success are scarce, available only to those who win. They lose their ability to function without the structure of the “activity”. They forget how to play. It is so sad. No wonder there is so much anxiety amongst our teenagers.

So I vote for more play! Would someone please create an after school program for kids that is like the old “recess” I remember? A teacher standing in the middle of the school yard with a whistle, supervising 100 kids playing various games, everything from kickball to jacks, to jump rope to 4 square. The kids managed the games themselves, without coaches or parents shouting from the sidelines. And maybe there were winning teams, or the kid who could jump the longest without tripping, but by the time recess was over, no one cared anymore. It was about the playing. They were hot and sweaty, and they had fun.

How about an after work “recess” for adults?! Good old fashioned games. Perhaps if adults remember how much fun it is, they would actually go outside with their kids and play once in a while. It might also make them more fit. But it is really about the fun.

Confession. I got a tattoo at the ripe old age of 53. According to an article in The Huffington Post, I am not alone. Apparently lots of us mid-life baby boomers have decided that we need a little “ink” at this particular time in our lives.

The article touches a bit on motivations, but I would like to explore this more deeply. I know I spent years considering the “what, where, and why” of my tattoo. Yes, it was definitely about making a statement, about celebrating the fact that a really hard part of my life was over: the kids were grown, the 20 year marriage was over, I moved out of my big house in the swim/tennis neighborhood, quit my ALTA team, and stopped volunteering for everything. Actually, I think I crawled into a bit of a cave to lick my wounds for a few years.

And part of the coming out of my cave was getting my tattoo. While the content certainly had to be meaningful, the location was as important. I wanted to be able to show it in public if I felt like it, but I didn’t really want it to be part of a first impression. Rather it would be my “after” statement.

People who know about it always ask if I plan to get another one. No. For me it would detract from the freedom and power I felt getting it, and still feel when I expose it. I can’t see it, but I know it’s there, and I am proud of it.

So if you got your first tattoo over the age of 45, please feel free to share your thoughts about it, along with a picture!

It is hard to believe that birth control pills have only been around for 50 years. For many of us, we can’t imagine life without them. But try to picture life for women before easy contraception.

We got married early, often in our mid-teens. We started having babies right away: really, there were no other options. And we just kept having babies, until we got too old, our insides fell out, our husbands stopped wanting to have sex with us, or they died. Basically, our lives were ruled by our fertility.

Birth control pills became available in the early 1960s. We can now plan our families, or choose not to have children. This allowed us to get a better education, get better jobs, stay in the workplace longer, become financially independent, and sometimes even make more money than our spouses. Birth control pills have truly changed our society. Without easy, safe contraception, equality for women is impossible. Look at 3rd world countries.

So in my humble opinion, birth control pills are the best thing since sliced bread. Not only do they give us the ability to plan our families, they improve a host of problems that can be associated with our menstrual cycles. Everything from acne, to menstrual cramps, to endometriosis, to pre-menopausal problems can be improved with the use of birth control pills. And for these problems, I call them “menstrual cycle management pills”.

Basically, a teenager can go on birth control pills for painful cramps, stay on them until she would like to get pregnant, have her family, and stay on them until menopause. Miraculously, for most women there are no serious long term health problems from using birth control pills. No increase in cancer, no decrease in fertility, no nothing. And there are some interesting benefits to using birth control pills: easier, shorter periods; less ovarian cysts; less endometriosis; less anemia; ½ the chance of endometrial or ovarian cancer! Who knew?!

Is there a best pill? No: 80% of women would be happy with any of the pills. 20% may have to try a couple of different pills to find one that suits them best. The most common side effects for women starting birth control pills are breast tenderness, nausea, headaches, mood swings, and irregular spotting. These problems occur in less than 15% of women, often resolve after the second month, or go away after a change to a different pill. Weight gain IS NOT a common side effect!

So if you have been putting off considering birth control pills as an option for you, make an appointment to discuss your concerns!

…than nagging to get your other half motivated to get back into shape. This is from Prevention magazine, via MSNBC.com: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43429948

My ex-husband (who is a really good guy, by the way) used to think that I would get him to go on nice long walks with me so that I could nag him about stuff and he couldn’t escape. That is certainly not what I thought I was doing, but as I have said before, perception is everything.

I don’t think any of us like to nag. In a perfect world, we would ask once, and poof! it would be done.

But there is one “nag topic” that really hit me the other day. Nagging our husbands/partners about their health. Last week one of my patients, 50 years old and a widow for 3 years, expressed her anger at her now deceased husband, for not taking better care of his health. He dropped dead of a heart attack at age 51. With tears running down her face, she told how her kids missed him, she missed him. How she has struggled to support a family alone, and unprepared. She was angry that he smoked, was sedentary, ate badly, let things around the house fall to pieces etc, etc. How could he have been so selfish? Of course, she had nagged him, but of course to no avail.

I hear this all the time. It’s just that most men don’t drop dead at age 51. They still think they are immortal. Many won’t even see a doctor for a check up. Most will not change their habits until they have an “event”: heart attack, stroke, cancer. But more subtle, is the erosion of physical capability: sexual function, “playing with kids”, stamina for leisure activities. For many wives who make the effort to stay active and fit, this is terribly frustrating as well as frightening. Will their spouse die prematurely? Will they become disabled, leaving them to play nursemaid? What will happen to them financially?

Ladies, your are not their mother, or their nursemaid. You are a partner. And your concerns deserve attention. You both have a responsibility to take care of yourselves, but there is only so much you can do about your spouse.

My advice is that you sit down with your spouse, tell him you love him, that you are concerned about his health. Suggest he see a doctor for a check up, if appropriate. Tell him you will help him make changes to his habits. But if he is unwilling to change, tell him you want to make sure your financial house is in order, that you both have current wills, that both of you have adequate life and disability insurance so that there is financial security if something happens to either one of you. Leave the door open for him to change his mind in the future. Then stop nagging. The only thing that is truly in our power to control is our own behavior. So take good care of yourself.

And for those of you who don’t take care of your own health, consider this column to be me nagging you! You owe it to yourself, and your family!