Thoughts from Between the Knees

Sometimes I used to feel like being the parent of children would never end. And then, like magic, my kids became grown ups (my daughters are 23 and 21). Fully functional, live independently, do what they want, grown ups. Now what do I do? Do I talk to them like my kids, like a friend, like who exactly? How often do I call, text or email? Do I wait for them to Facebook me? Do I even want to look at their Facebooks? This is so weird. Awesome, but definitely weird. Are there any books about this? Like a Chicken Soup for the Parents of Grownups?

I spent my college and early adult years 3000 miles away from where I grew up, so that I could become an adult very much on my own. Somehow I knew I needed to get away from my childhood influences. I spoke with my parents by phone once a week, and went to visit a couple of times a year, but my world was my own, and they had very little place in it. By the time I lived close enough to see my family regularly, I was in my 30s, married and working. My contacts with them were sometimes tense. I think many in my parent’s generation had difficulty making the transition to being the parents of adults. For a long time I still felt treated like the rebellious 15 yo, my knowledge and experience ignored. Does anyone else’s parents start every sentence with “why don’t you” or “why did you” or “you should have”?

So how do I not do this to my kids? How do I gently offer my wisdom, yet respect their decisions, understanding they have to build their own base of knowledge and experience? How do I create the open door that they will use to ask me for my advice when they need it? Sometimes I tell a story about a similar situation I experienced, and then reflect on how it all turned out. Perhaps the art of sharing a good story about our lives is more effective than giving an opinion about how they should live theirs. And since my kids don’t live near by, I do this by email. Sort of like the old fashioned letter writing that has memorialized many a relationship for future evaluation. Letters are not really a bad thing. They allow both parties to revisit and contemplate the thoughts they are expressing.

For now, I guess I will just play it cool, trying to gauge if they are eating healthy, paying their bills, having fun with friends and building their own lives, without me there every day. I will continue to build my own happy, healthy life, without them here every day. And when we do all get together for a visit, I hope we can gossip, and giggle, and not act like adults at all. But when I allow myself to think about how much I miss them, and how much I love them, it brings tears to my eyes.